Alam mo ba?

ni roar

Alam mo bang ang sakit?
Ang sakit ng loob kong
Malaman na di pala ako ang mahal mo.
Ang sakit ng loob kong
Maghintay kahit wala naman akong hinihintay.
Ang sakit ng loob kong
Magsinungaling sa sarili ko na puwede pa naman tayo, nagbabakasakaling oo kahit sigurado nang hindi.

Alam mo bang ang tanga ko?
Ang tanga ko kasi pagkatapos kong ibuhos ang buong pagmamahal ko sa'yo, wala din namang babalik sa akin.
Ang tanga ko kasi umasa ako kahit wala nang pag-asa.
Ang tanga ko kasi kahit alam kong mali na, nagpupumilit pa rin ako.
Eh ano'ng magagawa ko?
Mahal kita eh. Tanga ako pero nagmamahal. Ah... nagmamahal ako pero tanga!

Alam mo bang mahal kita?
Mahal kita pero hindi ko na lang ipinaparamdam sa'yo kasi 'di pwede.
Mahal kita pero ako ang nasasaktan kaya 'wag na lang.
Mahal kita pero paano ko nga bang kakalabanin ang Diyos? Eh tinawag ka Niya! Sino ba naman ako? Lugi ako! Lugi. Diyos ba naman ang karibal ko!

Alam mo bang ang tapang ko?
Ang tapang ko kasi hindi kita inaagaw kahit gustong gusto ko na!
Ang tapang ko kasi kinakalaban ko ang pinakamahirap kalaban sa lahat... ang sarili ko! Hindi ko naman kalaban ang Diyos. Karibal ko lang Siya.
Ang tapang ko kasi kahit ang sakit-sakit na, kinakaya ko; kahit nagiging tanga na, tinatanggap ko; kahit mahal na mahal na mahal kita, ipinauubaya ko... ikaw.
Kahit hinang-hina na ako, nagpapakatatag pa rin
Para sa'yo...
At para sa...
Diyos mo.

Alam mo ba
Na ang sakit-sakit na
At ang tanga-tanga ko na
sa pagpupumiglas ko sa damdamin ko para sa'yo?
Alam mo ba
Na mahal na mahal kita
Pero ang tapang-tapang ko
Dahil kinakaya ko ang hirap na dulot ng pag-ibig nating bawal.

Alam mo ba? Bawal.

I love...

by roar


I love you.

But now I miss you.
I want to sit beside you
And spend some quiet moment with you.

I miss you
And the stories that you share
While I remain silent.
I simply blankly stare at you.
I don't need to open my mouth
For I only need to open my ears while you spontaneously speak
And express your anxieties
And frustrations
And disappointments
And anger
And insecurities.
My attentive ears, I guess,
Make you fall for me.

I miss the times
When you hold my hands
And I want to let go
For I can't be too brave
To squeeze your lovely hands for too long.
Then you twist yours
Bringing me up to cloud nine.
I am in contact with you longer than the usual handshake.
Then...
You seem to be unsatisfied still.
You clutch my fingers longer
And my hands now really want to let go
For I shrink at the thought
That we're holding on to each other:
Your hand holding on to mine
My heart holding on to you.
I hold you,
Nay, you hold me
Three times longer than the usual handshake.
I must be in seventh heaven!

I love you.
And I miss you.
But after all we've been through
We're never the same again.
How I wish we can go back
To the times we understand each other.
For now, I need this moment.
I need this space.
You have hurt me so much
And you continue to hurt me.
How shameful of you!
I always care about you.
I am always there for you.
I consistently catch you when you fall.
I give you too much.
But you drag me down.
You make me believe we're good
But we're otherwise.
You shout every cuss word you can think of
Beating and slashing my fragile heart.

I miss you but
I must be at peace...
Alone.

I love you.
And I miss you.
But I must love myself too.
I have to love myself too.
Please let me love myself too.

I need to respect myself.
For if I didn't, who will?
I am letting go now
Of your hand
I am letting go now
Of my heart.

I love you.
And I miss you.
But good bye.
I love myself too.